So…I'm very grateful that thus far I've managed to avoid having to do the ALS ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE. That is not to say that I haven’t made a donation to ALS in recent
weeks – what do you think I am, some kind of jerk? Well, I video-taped my wife (with my iPhone) as she accepted the challenge and threw ice-water on her head,
and “we” subsequently made a donation, so my conscience is clear. The only
problem with the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, in my opinion, is that soon there will undoubtedly
be other similar “challenges” for other worthy causes, but people will be so burned out from the first one that they won’t want to do it again. But at least in the
meantime, ALS has received lots of awareness and donations, so I can’t
complain. And I’m sure Stephen Hawking must be thrilled.
He’s actually one of my all-time personal heroes, Hawking
is; you know, the renowned author and physicist and cosmologist who unfortunately suffers
from ALS. How a man with his physical limitations could accomplish all that he
has and made all the contributions to science and who
knows what else… it’s truly inspiring.
But one thing I can’t understand about Hawking is how come they haven’t
updated his speaking voice since like 1983. I’m not going to make fun of him –
‘cause that would be fucked up – I’m just saying, with all the advances that
have been made in recent years in robot voice technology, I really don’t see why he has to have the same voice as a Speak & Spell machine. If you’re
not a child of the ‘80s you probably don’t even know what that is, but basically it was like a giant calculator that helped kids (like me!) learn to, well, speak…
and spell. “The word is ‘Heavy’ – spell it: H-E-A-V-Y. BOO-BEE-BOO-BOOP.” That’s the sound it
made.
So how come Hawking – who is beloved by millions around the
world – sounds like a Speak & Spell… but when you call American Express or
Bank of America – which everybody hates – those robot voices sound amazing? Doesn’t
he deserve better? Especially if he’s going to narrate TV shows and whatnot. Maybe some of that ice bucket money should get thrown his way for an upgrade.
Although I will say, while robot voice technology has gotten
much better over the years, the brains behind the voices have gotten much
worse. In other words, they’re fucking idiots. I had to call BofA the other day
‘cause I was double charged by my dentist. No need to get into that now, but it
was so frustrating just to get a human on the phone. This robot lady picks up –
and of course she’s very friendly:
BofA: Hello! How are
you today?!
And for a second, you’re not sure if it’s even a person or a robot, so you answer...
ME: Ahh, fine?
BofA: Please tell me
why you’re calling. You can say things like, “Questions about my bill,” or
“Order new checks.”
ME: I have questions
about my bill.
And then you think, "Hey, maybe this is actually going to be easy…"
BofA: Let me get this
straight. You want to order new checks. Is that correct?
ME: No, not even
close. Representative.
BofA: BOO-BEE-BOO-BOOP.
I swear, they use the same boo-beep sounds as the Speak
& Spell. Go figure. And they always ignore you the first few times you ask
for a representative.
BofA: Sorry about that. Let’s try this again. Please tell me why you’re calling. You can say things
like, stop a check, or report a lost or stolen credit card.
This is where I get angry, and who cares because it’s a
robot so it’s okay to be rude.
ME: REPRESENTATIVE!
I’d like to speak to a human-fucking-being!
BofA: You said you
wanted to speak with a representative. Is that correct?
ME: YES!
BofA: Okay. I’ll
connect you with the next available representative.
ME: (exasperated) Thank
you!
BofA: But first: Please, give me another chance and tell me why you’re calling. You can say things like,
“Questions about the conflict in the Middle East, or “Golden Girls” trivia…”
ME: No! Just put a person on the phone before I blow
my freakin’ brains out!
BofA: I believe you
said you wanted to kill yourself. Is that correct? BOO-BEE-BOO-BOOP.
Oh, how very frustrating… I think I’d actually prefer talking
to the operators in India, and I can’t even understand a freaking word they’re
saying… But at least I feel like I’m being heard. You know, here’s an
idea: why not at least give Hawking one of the operators in India? Even that would
be an improvement over the Speak & Spell voice…
That’s all for now, but before I go, I'll leave you with one
question: What happens when Stephen Hawking has to call his bank...?
