Some people call it their critic, others call it a censor, but whatever you want to call it, we all got one. You might not even be aware of it. You might think the negative voice that pops up in your head at will is just... you. But it's not. Not really. It's only part of you. I used to think of mine as a force so strong it could only be speaking the truth, and it was crippling. But thanks to the Artist's Way book and workshop (whoops, didn't mean for this to sound like an infomercial...) I've learned to work with and even love my critic. But man oh man, they can be really... mean! Check out this recent encounter I had with mine. I took the pleasure of recording it for you. I promise I did not allow the editor in me to revise it much. I wanted to preserve the conversation in its purest, original form...
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ME 1: Oh no.
ME 2: What?
ME 1: Don't tell me you're doing this...
ME 2: Doing what?
ME 1: Writing bullshit instead of doing work again.
ME 2: Isn't this technically work?
ME 1: Aren't you "technically" trying to have a career?
ME 2: Yes.
ME 1: Then what you're doing right now - writing this nonsense - is a waste of time.
ME 2: How is it a waste of time if I'm writing? I'm getting the creative juices flowing.
ME 1: No, you're wasting time. You're avoiding doing actual work under the guise of-- Wait, what I mean to say is, with your claim of doing actual work... you're operating under a guise of some sort... And the bottom line is, you're an idiot, and it's no wonder you're a failure.
ME 2: Whoa... who says I'm a failure? I'm not a failure. I'm living in my vision.
ME 1: You're not a success, isn't that right?
ME 2: Depends on your definition... But that doesn't mean I'm a failure. Jeez...
ME 1: Fine.
ME 2: Fine what?
ME 1: Fine, you are not a failure.
ME 2: Thank you.
ME 1: Yet.
ME 2: Oh, now what's that supposed to mean?
ME 1: It means you're too young to be a failure, and you haven't given up yet. But you will. And I will be there waiting to tell you I told you so.
ME 2: I will never give up. This is my dream. It's what I love. It's what I live for.
ME 1: Oh great. Stealing words from Ursula's mouth now. God you're pathetic.
ME 2: I am not pathetic.
ME 1: Then how come it's almost 11am and you haven't done any work except this crap all day?
ME 2: Well, like I said, this is work. Kind of. And I have some time management issues.
ME 1: And that is why you fail.
ME 2: Thanks Yoda, speaking of stealing words... (pause) Fine. I'll do real work right now. Maybe. But it is not for you decide if this was a waste of time. It's for them to decide.
ME 1: Them who?
ME 2: Them....
ME 1: Oh... I should probably put on pants.
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See what I mean? Very nasty indeed... But the thing we all have to realize is that the negative voice in your head loves you. It doesn't want to see you get hurt. That's why it wants you to give up on your dream; because if you quit then you don't fail, and if you don't fail then no one can laugh at you like they did in grade school when you said something stupid, or at that dinner party last week. As mean as a critic can be, it can also serve us by helping pinpoint what we're doing wrong. That's why I love mine. For instance, in the exchange above, I reminded myself that I have time management issues that I need to work on... And on that note, let's all go our separate ways and get back to work now, shall we?
Side note: I actually have dozens upon dozens of these conversations recorded, and would be happy to publish more if so called for by public demand...
ME 1: Call for it! Call for it!
ME 2: Shut up you idiot... It's over. It ended with the pants line.
ME 1: Oh yeah. That was a much better ending. Damn.
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