A Comprehensive Review of CES 2014 in Las Vegas* (Please See Full Title)

"A Comprehensive Review of CES 2014 in Las Vegas... From a Hung Over Guy Who Knows Nothing About Consumers and/or Electronics" 

For those of you who do no know about CES, please allow me to save your cursor a trip to the Google search bar (with information copied and pasted from wikipedia): "The Consumer Electronics Show (CES) is an internationally renowned electronics and technology trade show, attracting major companies and industry professionals worldwide." Basically, it's a huge-ass convention packed with over a hundred-thousand tech industry insiders and enthusiasts - and me, an outsider who was sorely hung over. (And I now know what the S in CES stands for. Thank you wikipedia!)

With hundreds (or is it thousands?) of companies revealing their latest technological marvels and masterpieces, the event is any gadget geek's wet dream. However, if you don't particularly give a shit about electronics - as I don't - and you're hung over as all hell - as I was - you'll understand how meandering through the massive halls is more like a technological nightmare.

Almost as exciting as a date with a real person.  

Before getting into the nuts and bolts of the review, let me say that I did not plunk down the $200 admission to enter the event. No, I borrowed a name-placard-lanyard-credential thing from a friend who shall remain unnamed. It was one of the many perks afforded me during my 48 hour whirlwind trip to Vegas. If ever you plan to attend this event in the future, I highly recommend not paying for it.

You see, one of my bestest and oldest pals, Maxwell (not his real name), who may or may not be affiliated with the guy who gave me the lanyard, works for Viacom. He invited me to come crash with him for a few days during his annual business trip. Thanks to dear old Maxwell, I enjoyed free accommodations at the Aria, a few fancy meals, many free cocktails, and entrance to some "hot" parties... which led to my semi-debaucherous evening and played no small role in my massive hangover the next morning.

Very serious @ HuluPlus party

At this point I may as well provide a quick rundown of the evening activities and detail my drinking exploits, if only to offer insight into my unique perspective of the mega-attraction that is CES.

Festivities began shortly after I arrived in Vegas on Wednesday at about 5pm. We kicked things off at the HuluPlus party, where I consumed no less than three vodkas (on the rocks, as per my usual). Rest assured I made every effort to stuff my face with hors d'oeuvres whenever they floated by on silver trays.

Later, at Tao Asian Bistro/Nightclub for dinner with Maxwell and his colleagues, I had a few lychee martinis, sake and white wine. We then went to a party for iHeartRadio (whatever that is) at Haze Nightclub in the Aria, where I returned to drinking straight vodka. A DJ duo composed of two women called Krewella was performing. It was loud, crowded and generally awful inside.

Time seemed to fly by, and it somehow became 2:30am. We decided to head back to the room and call it a night. This was by no means late by Vegas standards, but not bad considering it was a "business trip" - at least for some.

Please note that I was not "wasted" at any point in the evening, but the cumulative effect of so many drinks, combined with a lack of sleep due to Maxwell's snoring - I swear it was easily the worst I've ever heard, like an angry bear - not to mention the dryness of the desert, I was in rare form the next morning. I also had trouble sleeping because I was upset at myself for losing $100 in about seven minutes while playing blackjack (this actually always happens to me Vegas).

OK, perhaps I was slightly more intoxicated than I thought...

Dear reader, have you ever found yourself standing in an elevator at 9:07am on a Thursday on your way down to the hotel swimming pool wearing sunglass, slippers and a bathrobe while standing among several well-dressed businessman starting their day? Let me tell you, it can be pretty damn humbling. And surreal. And it can certainly make you question your priorities in life. Such a feeling can only by eclipsed by the one you get when you're the only person in an enormous ellipse-shaped swimming pool at 9:13am on a Thursday while a single bored lifeguard watches you do underwater yoga (don't ask).

At around 11am, I boarded a shuttle bus from my hotel to the convention center. The ride was unexpectedly long and shitty. The whole time I was trying to catch up on sleep and hoping I would not throw up. The nausea came in waves as the fried egg sandwich raged an epic battle with the cappuccino in my stomach.

*Not me, but this accurately depicts how I felt.

Upon stepping off the bus (looks like we're finally getting into the review, huzzah!), I skipped the South Hall, per Maxwell's advice, and went straight to the Central Hall. I had prepared a little speech in case the door-people checking badges questioned my identity, but this proved to be of no use since the door people were either half dead or asleep. I casually stepped inside, not at all sure what to expect...

Courtesy of some other guy's blog, looks like CES circa 1994

Each year at CES there's at least one new piece of technology that everybody is all abuzz about (say that three times fast!). A few years ago it was 3D TVs, then it was 4K TVs... And the big new thing at this year's CES was "curved" TVs. I had first heard people talking about these things only the day before, and I couldn't quite get my head around what they were all about. Was it concave or convex? Could it possibly enhance the viewing experience? Did someone just crap my pants? (JK)

I know, right?!?!

Perhaps the hangover was contributing to my extreme sensitivity to light and sound, but when I first saw a curved TV in all its curved glory, I thought, "Oh, it's a TV... that's curved. So the hell what?" With 1080p Full HD (1920 x 1080) capabilities and Quad Core Processors blah blah blah, I really don't see why people make such a big fuss over these things. I was tempted to ask one of the representatives about the TV's incredible features, but I was afraid I would not be able to form a complete sentence, and what's more I was in no mood for the full Radio Shack hard-sell experience. It was time to take a break...

I continued to meander through the giant hall amid the masses of people. It was like walking through a hundred Best Buys all under one roof... on Black Friday. Truly overwhelming. And given the international crowd, it was also reminiscent of walking through the Louvre in July...

Since I was merely there as a spectator, without any real purpose, at times I felt incredibly insignificant in the world, like everyone around me was there for a reason, passing by me in real time while I was drifting about in slow motion; all these people knowing their places in the universe, and here I was, a guy who should probably be at home in LA working, but instead I was experiencing dizziness and a sense of the room spinning, doing some serious soul searching. To make matters worse, I was having chafing issues. It was during one of these doldrums that I first decided to write a blog entry about the event, to give myself a purpose.

Side note, did you know that depression is a symptom of being hung over?

Moving right along...

Tech nerds in line waiting to win... I don't know what. A date?

Some companies did weird, gimmicky things like hand out swag or have contests and giveaways to attract passersby to their booths. You would not believe the long lines that grown men and women but mostly men would wait in for ridiculous crap. At the Casio booth (lol Casio), people were queued up in a long, Disney Land-style wrap around line. I asked a representative what they were waiting for, and she told me that the people were in line to take a brief survey, and then possibly win either a crappy wristwatch, or a crappy calculator. What the hell year was this again? Needless to say, I opted to keep moving...

Check out the guys pretending to be sampling headphones

Maybe it's a compulsory Vegas thing, but a few booths had ridiculous "entertainment." This one company, for example, 808, had a young, attractive DJ duo playing tecnho music. But the thing I found especially amusing was that the girls were dancing behind the DJ deck as though having an amazing time - like the Krewella girls the night before. Who knows, maybe they were indeed having fun dancing inside a crowded convention, but the whole thing felt incredibly contrived and lame. I almost felt bad taking their photo, but decided it was my duty to show the world...



Apparently Canon thought it would be totally bad-ass to have "Step Up"-inspired street dancers dancing around inside a circle lined with cutting edge desktops, tablets, and printers. It took all of my energy to not ask them if they just got served.

Not sure if it was all the awesome dance music or the dehydration, but my heart was beating fast and I was experiencing some shakiness. That's about when this photo happened...

But the mega-event is not only about TVs and crappy DJs, it also has household items like washing machines, dish washers, and vacuums... Oh, and a lovely refrigerator that I would have gladly stuck my face in if only it was turned on...

And did I mention they had a lot of cool cars?

 Even some from the future!  

And BACK TO THE FUTURE!

And some with umbrellas!

 And Batman was there too!

Okay, I'm getting carried away here...

In my third hour of wandering, I found myself in an off-shoot building surrounded by booths housing Chinese manufacturing companies. They literally all made the exact same products, crappy keyboards mostly it seemed. I didn't know what the hell I was doing in there, but on the plus side, at least I got to brush up my Chinese with some vendors from Hangzhou. I told them (in Chinese) that I like China very much... And with that, I knew it was time to leave.

I'd had enough. CES 2014: 1 -- Hung Over Todd: 0. It was time to head back to the hotel and meet Peter I mean Maxwell for lunch.

The lines for the shuttle buses at the Center Hall were incredibly long, and I knew I would be waiting a very long time. So, using my cunning - that clearly many of the tech types were lacking - I hoofed it back to the South Hall (or was it North? whatever), in any case, it was where the buses first arrive, and made sure I got a seat. This proved to be a stroke of genius that saved me much pain and discomfort, especially considering my mounting headaches and muscle aches...

Look at all those dummies in line for a shuttle bus. They're probably still waiting there...

And there you have it, folks, my work here is done. If you take nothing else away from my comprehensive* (probably not in the way you were expecting) review of CES 2014, please let it be that it is important to stay hydrated when visiting Las Vegas. And whatever you do, do not mix alcohols.

Thanks for reading this review! Please feel free to "like" it on FB if you liked it in real life. Hope to see you all at CES 2015!

PS. (Can blogs say PS?) The reason it took so long to release this review is because I have been fighting a horrible post-Vegas cold since I got back...