Wednesday, April 2, 2014

21 Things LA Drivers Do That Make Them Bigger A-Holes Than Drivers in Other Cities


I’ve driven in – or been driven in – many cities in America and around the world, and it’s safe to say that asshole drivers are truly everywhere. Los Angeles is not unique in that regard. However, LA is unique when considering the sheer number off asshole drivers. Not just shitty/dumb, or crazy/reckless drivers – but pure, dickish assholes.

Beijing drivers, for example, do some of the craziest things I’ve ever witnessed on the road, but the drivers themselves are generally not assholes; they are merely cogs in a giant piece of machinery that I actually think functions quite beautifully. Like controlled chaos.

The major difference, in my estimation, is that every shitty thing an LA driver does has an F-you factor that drivers in other cities just don’t seem to exhibit. (Explanations for this phenomenon will be explored in Part II of this series: “Reasons LA Drivers Are Bigger A-Holes Than Drivers in Other Cities.”)

It’s worth noting that not everyone in LA is an asshole all the time; they just become assholes as soon as they get behind the wheel. And everyone – including myself, and you, and even my own mother (sorry, Mom) – is guilty of being an asshole LA driver, at least on occasion. Some people I’ve talked to freely admit to it. “But I’m not an asshole driver,” you might say. Bullshit. Of course you are. Keep reading to find out why.

Before we get to the list, bare in mind that I am trying to avoid listing typical dickish driving behavior that can be found in asshole drivers anywhere in the world, not just LA. Some examples of this would be, say, tailgating or running yellow lights. Neither is worth mentioning herein. So, without further ado, here is:


21 Things LA Drivers Do That Make Them Bigger Assholes Than Drivers in Other Cities

1)  They drive entirely too fast. This may sound generic, but what makes LA drivers bigger assholes than fast drivers in other cities is their reasoning behind it. It’s not that they urgently need to get somewhere, they just want to get to where they’re going before you get to where you’re going (more on this in Part II). I call them “speedies,” and I can spot them in my rearview mirror – or even hear them – from a mile away. Newer, fancier, sportier cars are usually the worst offenders.

2)  Not only do they do not stop at stop signs, they barely slow down. Yes, we are the proud inventors of “The CaliforniaStop,” but LA asshole drivers are always pushing the limits of this act. Also…

3)  They a don’t give a damn whose turn it is to go at a stop sign, they just go whenever the hell they want. And when four cars are at a four-way stop sign all at once... may the biggest asshole win.

4)  Texting while driving… and generally doing things while operating a motor vehicle that don’t involve driving. Yes, of course this phenomenon exists everywhere, but LA drivers are especially egregious about it, so let’s just say excessive texting while driving. They often do this while not stopping at a sign, as I have witnessed on numerous occasions.

5)  Excessive honking… Especially when it comes to the unnecessarily long “fuck you” honk when a short, friendly toot that implies, “C’mon fella, let’s move it along” would easily suffice. It’s worth noting that the person they are usually honking at is most likely texting when their red light turns green.

6)  Disregard for someone who wants to change lanes. These assholes just don’t want to let you in. In fact, they will often speed up when they are behind you and in the lane you want to be in so you can’t get in front of them. I oftentimes don’t put on my turn signal before changing lanes because I know some asshole back there won’t want to let me in if he sees me signaling.

7)  They won’t alternate when two lanes are merging, especially in stop-and-go traffic. They often avoid eye-contact to hide their cowardice. The bolder ones might look you right in the eye and scowl or grin. There is a special place in hell for these assholes.

8)  Disregard for pedestrians… Even when pedestrians have the right of way (which they always do). These assholes love to make a right turn right in front of you as you step into the crosswalk, or as you approach from the far side of the crosswalk. And which Angeleno among you hasn’t almost been killed in a crosswalk by someone making a left turn? But here’s what makes LA drivers especially big assholes: They’re not sorry! Just a few days ago some asshole making a right turn gave me the middle finger after he almost ran me over as I walked through a crosswalk. Huh?

9)  They stop in the middle of a crosswalk at a red light, forcing pedestrians to go around their stupid cars – often making them walk uncomfortably close to oncoming traffic. Most of these assholes don’t back up even when they can. Instead, they look down at their phone to avoid your gaze, making them even bigger assholes.

10) Disregard – nay, disdain – for bicyclists. If there’s one thing an asshole LA driver hates, it’s when he’s trying to speed down the right hand lane of a major boulevard at rush hour (another asshole move, however legal) and he gets stuck behind a bicyclist. (Yes, LA bicyclists can be assholes, too, but at least they’re doing their part to decrease their carbon footprint.) Assholes will often cut off a bicyclist to “show him who’s boss.”

11) Disregard for the “two-cars-per-yellow-when-making-a-left-turn” rule by being the third car to go. (If you’re not from Los Angeles you probably don’t even know about this rule… which really pisses assholes off when you’re visiting LA and you don’t move into the intersection when waiting to make a left turn. In fact, it probably pisses them off when they visit your city, too.) Point is, being the third car to make a left turn at a yellow/red light is a dick-move, but assholes here do it anyway every. damn. day.

12) They make a left turn long after the turn-arrow has turned yellow/red… often nearly killing pedestrians. Nuff said.

13) Disregard for the “No left turn between 7-9am, and 4-7pm Mon-Fri” rule (at certain intersections). These assholes will stop in the middle of the intersection – even when they know they aren’t allowed to turn at that time – and make the cars behind them wait… leading to more assholes who honk their horns for entirely too long.

14) They make a quick right turn in front of you when you’re driving straight… only to then go very slowly. They often don’t stop at a sign when making this shithead maneuver.

15) They take up more than their fair share of the road when approaching you head-on on narrow side-streets… And, of course, they drive entirely too fast as they do it. It’s like a lame game of chicken which often results in busted side-view mirrors. Our city’s lame version of jousting.

16) They go in the far right lane at a red light (even if it’s right-turn only, or even if it’s not an actual lane at all)… only to zip ahead of everybody when the light turns green. Usually a maneuver performed by speedies, these assholes will accelerate rapidly, nearly crash into the parked cars ahead, only to cut the driver next to them off in the last second. Being stuck behind one of these assholes is especially frustrating when you want to make a right turn at an intersection and no cars are coming… and it’s a very long red light.  

17) Excessive lane changing. Either in heavy traffic, or when it's moving fast, these assholes are just never content to stay where they are. They especially hate assholes who won’t let them in… while at the same time they won’t ever let anyone in front of them.

18) They back out of a driveway knowing that one or more cars is probably driving down the street. “Is it safe to pull into the street? Who gives a shit? I want to go now!” That’s what they have tattooed on their backs.

19) On the other side of the coin from #18, this asshole will speed up to a car that is pulling out of a driveway (or making a three-point turn)… then slam on his brakes and honk his horn for an excessively long time… making him a far bigger asshole than the one who pulled out of the driveway without looking.

20) They are filled with RAGE! I’m not talking about general road rage, which is just adorable in other cities. I’m talking about how LA drivers have an amazing ability to get incredibly angry at the flip of a switch. They will scream and/or give the middle finger almost immediately. The worst offenders usually get upset because someone did to them what they usually do to others. Take a yoga class, go to a shooting range, listen to whales… I don’t care, just take a breath and chill the fuck out.

21) Being an asshole in general. This is deliberately vague because LA drivers are always coming up with new and innovative ways to piss off other people and prove that the rules of the road just don’t apply to them… and that they are huge, gaping assholes. “Road closed? Yeah right, not for this asshole.”


    Maybe you only do some of these things on rare occasion, or maybe you do all of them all the time. I know I’m certainly guilty of some of these things… (takes one to know one, right?). In any case, the end result is the same: an entire city of asshole drivers.  

Please stay tuned for parts II and III of this series, “Reasons Drivers in LA Are Bigger Assholes Than Drivers in Other Cities,” and “Things LA Asshole Drivers Do… When Not Even Driving.” 

And of course, please feel free to let me know in Comments or Facebook if I missed anything!




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