Speaking of life hacks, here's a new one for
you: You know that $200, Galapagos tortoise-sized air filter in the middle of your room?
The one that you spent hours researching; the one that you read and re-read
countless customer reviews for to the point that you felt like you were getting
to know the people who wrote them; the one that you haven’t used in months?
Yeah, well, it may not purify the air in your home worth a damn, BUT! if you are
one of the millions of
Americans who needs to dry their genitals everyday after the shower, this baby
works like a dream!
Let me give you some back-story as to how I made
this amazing discovery...
About a year and a half ago, my wife, Sarah,
who’s very allergic to cats (and bunnies, grass, and cockroach feces), thought
it would be a neat idea for us to foster a kitten, "just for two
weeks." Considering we could not keep a cat because of my wife's
aforementioned allergies, we thought fostering a cute kitten until it found its
forever home was a nice way for us to do the universe a solid while at the same
time satiating my wife’s desire to play with a cute kitty for a little while.
Just like that, a wee, two-pound, eight-week old
kitty that looked like an alien crawled into our lives - and our sock
drawers...
As I said, it was only supposed to be for two
weeks, long enough for the kitty to put on enough weight so she could be
"fixed.” But then kitty caught a cold, and her lady procedure had to be
postponed. Then the crazy foster cat lady went MIA on us for a few weeks. Yada
yada yada… Two months passed. The kitty was growing both in size and in her
fondness for us. While I had always been more of a dog person myself, I must
concede that I was enjoying her company, as well...
After nearly two months of caring for and creating
many ridiculous songs for the kitty, the day came when she was ready to be put
up for adoption. I must confess, dear reader, I may have shed a few tears
and/or cried uncontrollably while driving the little munchkin to meet the crazy
cat lady. Part of me was going to miss her, and another part of me simply
hated the idea that she would soon be living in a pen at a mom &
pop pet supply store in West LA for god knows how long until she could finally be
adopted. Since she was no longer an eight-week old kitty but a four-month old
cat, it could take months. Plus, how could she possibly wind up in a home more
loving than ours? Answer: She could not, because such a home did not exist
anywhere else in the universe.
As
luck would have it, I did not have to give the cat back that day. One of my
neighbors, who already owned a cat, stepped up in the eleventh hour and adopted
her. Hooray! Five days after the papers were signed, however, my wife and I
were still heartbroken. So I decided to do what any not-so-good
foster parent would: I sent our neighbor an email asking her to give us
the cat back… Our neighbor was totally cool about it, we got the kitty back,
and now it’s ours. We named it Whisky, and I’ll stop calling her “it” now.
Enter
Sarah's severe cat allergy, which was there all along and only getting worse
now that the cat was a permanent fixture in our apartment. We made several
visits to her allergist, a direct man and torah scholar with offices located
within spitting distance of Neiman Marcus in Beverly Hills. His advice to us:
get rid of the cat. Since this was no longer an option for us, he prescribed
Sarah some asthma medicine (inhalers and whatnot). But understandably, Sarah did not
want to be stuck on asthma medicine - with its many adverse side-effects - for
the next fifteen or more years, so she opted to stop taking the medicine.
Something else was needed, something that would put Sarah’s allergy issues to
bed once and for all… But what could it be???
There is a website, you see, where one can buy all manner of necessities, from protein powder to car batteries, and a few other things, called Amazon.com. It was there, on this website that offers free shipping on certain orders $25 or more, where I first became aware of the Honeywell® Enviracaire™ Round Series HEPA™ Air Purifier. It had four out of five stars and nearly a thousand positive reviews. I conducted entirely too many hours of research, trying to find the best bang for my buck, and was certain I had found the perfect machine.
With a patented 360° airflow, this baby comes
with an activated carbon pre-filter to reduce odors. It’s also equipped with
true HEPA™ filters that remove 99.97% of all airborne particles as small as 0.3
microns. It’s great for removing pollen, dust, smoke and other sources of
indoor allergens. And as I soon learned - quite by accident really - it’s also great at drying one's nards.
Gone
are the days when you have to settle for towel-drying, or having someone
you live with point a hair drier at your most private area. No sir,
all you have to do is position your freshly showered body over the 18 x 18
x 19.6 inch machine – with or without a towel around your waist – and let
the purifier, with features like the LifeTime HEPA™ filter system and Surround Seal™
for increased efficiency, go to town on your nether-regions. It sucks in dirty
air from the sides, then spews the purified air straight out of the
top. With three speeds, I prefer high in the summer, and medium in the cold
winter months.
And there you have it, folks. Who knew purifying your air could lead to such dry, happy dangly bits? You are most welcome!
Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I’m not sure
how or why, but my wife has been doing much better with her cat allergies.
Maybe she built up a tolerance? Who knows? All I know is, the machine may not
get turned on for more than twenty seconds a day, but I don’t regret a single
penny I shelled out on that baby. And my boys have never been happier.
You pussy!
ReplyDeletexo,
Kyle